Matters of the heart
Matters of the heart
A girlfriend sent me an e-mail the other day, asking for advice and a listening ear. I'm not sure if I'm the right person to dispense advice but here's wat happened. I've been thinking abt it for a while and honestly, I don't know what to say. I got her permission to narrate some of her events (no names of coz) so here goes...
Gist of the story is that she met a guy a few months ago, through a church friend. She's already attached but her bf's away at the moment. Has been away for a year, won't be back for a while more. New guy likes her and she likes him too. He knows of the bf being abroad and that's why they haven't officially sat down and had a proper "talk" abt the situation. Knowing her, she's not the kind to dump her bf for someone else. On the other hand, she's afraid that if she doesn't do anything, she may lose this new guy.
My opinion is that the bf's a real nice guy but the 2 of them do have some compatibility issues. Should she try to work things out? Or throw caution into the wind for something new? Or date both at the same time? ;P
Any comments anyone?
5 Comments:
Ok, being a conservative attached gal, I say "Stay Loyal!". There are always guys out there that you think are better. If you can find a guy that you think may be better, don't get attached, keep searching...
If you are attached and feeling lonely, look for friends to keep you company. I hate people who "betray" their other half in one way or another when the other person is away. Ok, this is a very biased opinion cuz I will be having a long distance relationship, so I hate it when anyone tries out a relationship when the other party is away.
I can accept things like we already have problems when he leaves. If this happens, thrash things out before he leaves, end the relationship before looking out for a new one.
And don't try to be funny and hide the fact that you can stand on two boats at the same time. Honesty is another thing that I value in a relationship. The truth will always catch up no matter where you are. Be honest now or regret later.
Matters of the heart is always complicated. There's no right or wrong, but it depends on the moral values or beliefs that you have to decide what you want to do. Don't base a decision only on the heart, use your brain too! *Geez, it's hard, I fail to do so at times, of course not about betraying my other half =P*
Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now?
Jeff Melvoin, Northern Exposure, Altered Egos, 1993
I have to agree with JY about "trying" out other relationships when the couple's apart. Having to live with guilt eats away at you and only serves to complicate your life. Lies compound and multiply very quickly and they'll turn on you when you least expect it.
Do not expect all relationships to run like "tong hua" (fairytale) for that is not real life.
I find this verse strangely comforting now that I'm in a land far away from home. When temptation creeps up on you, think about the things you'll have to give up and leave behind for once you take the wrong step, there is no turning back. Do not do anything you'll live to regret later.
When in doubt, remember this...
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
and finds in your presence that life is worth while.
So when you are lonely, remember it's true
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.
- K. Blackburn -
Tricky case, but still, I've heard enough of similar situations for it to seem commonplace. However, it does make me wonder if LDR manifies the void in the singular lives of a couple in a positive or negative way.
I say, it depends on how far the 'compatibility issues' stretches. And of course if any proactive steps of resolution have been undertaken. Every, every relationship is a tremendous gift, and loyalty is but an understatement. However, a tipping point remains. To loyally, but painfully, watch atrophy...perhaps then, letting go may be the way.
Anyhow, short-term replacement relationships are no temporal avenues of catharsis - a balancing act on a skewed beam will still eventually kill the most adept of gymnasts.
i dont exactly think i'm the most qualified person around here to give an opinion.
but i'll just give it a shot anyway.
considering how i'm studying overseas and it isnt surprising my friends would have maintained LDRs or sorts...it really is quite normal that you meet someone else and find that perhaps...just perhaps...u may be more interested in this new person.
hum.
though normal, it's a sticky situation and i think she must really think hard about whether it's because she's just yearning for the attention and affection that she has been so used to getting fm her bf... and hence using this new guy as a substitute.
but if she really really decides that she likes this guy better....then she ought to settle issues with her bf and make a clean break between them before doing anything else. at least it aint cheating. no?
i dont know.
if you think about it, it's really up to her.
Kudos to daffodils who made me look up the dictionary just to understand what you are saying! daffodils, what an interesting nick and powerful english you have! I wonder if I know you, it has been quite a while someone's writing has made me put in an effort to understand what they are saying.
Anyway, daffodils, your nick prompts me to share this story with the rest who visits this.
The Daffodil Principle
=======================
Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come see the daffodils before they are over."
I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. "I will come next Tuesday," I promised, a little reluctantly, on her third call. Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and so I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house and hugged and greeted my grandchildren, I said, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in the clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!"
My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, mother."
"Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her. "I was hoping you'd take me over to the garage to pick up my car."
"How far will we have to drive?"
"Just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."
After several minutes, I had to ask, "Where are we going? This isn't the way to the garage!"
"We're going to my garage the long way," Carolyn smiled, "by way of the daffodils."
"Carolyn," I said sternly, "please turn around." "It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."
After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand-lettered sign that read, "Daffodil Garden."
We got out of the car and each took a child's hand, and I followed my daughter down the path. Then, we turned a corner of the path, and I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak and slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns -- great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron, and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted as a group so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue.
There were five acres of flowers. "But who has done this?" I asked.
"It's just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well kept, "A-frame" house that looked small and modest in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking" was the headline.
The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read.
The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and very little brain."
The third answer was, "Began in 1958."
There it was, The Daffodil Principle. For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met who, more than forty years before, had begun -- one bulb at a time -- to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountain top. Still, just planting one bulb at a time, year after year, she had changed the world. This unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. She had created something of ineffable, indescribable magnificence, beauty, and inspiration.
The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time -- often just one baby-step at a time -- and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time.
When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world.
"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years. Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"
My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way: "Start tomorrow," she said. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?" We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with... and remember that time waits for no one.
Stop waiting...
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching.
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